Feet up, money up: we spend a hard day at Fortescue & Gilt, the firm that does very nicely

Fortescue & Gilt has been on the top floor of the tallest building in Cosyford since 1720, or thereabouts. Nobody is quite sure what it does. The carpet is very green, the desk is very large and very shiny, and out of the window the sun goes down over the estuary and the turbines on the ridge. Sir Rupert Fortescue shows the newest partner to the big leather chair and explains the duties in full: feet on the desk. Our reporter saw the new partner sit up, look round for the rest of the job, shrug, and lean back. They have been nodding along to the radio ever since.

Now and then something does come in. A paper slides out of the in-tray, and you drag your name along the line to sign it (a flourish is appreciated, and paid for). Some papers only want stamping: tap and down comes the stamp, APPROVED in red. When the computer pings, you press the big button on the desk. Nobody knows what it does, but the line on the screen goes up. And when the telephone rings you pick it up, someone on the other end says yes, and you say “Marvellous”. The total on the front of the desk goes up the whole time, whatever you do.

If even that sounds like a lot, the firm can help. An answering machine says yes to the people who say yes. Penelope, the personal assistant, has the firmest stamp in Cosyford. A little brass arm presses the button and a clockwork Auto-Pen signs your name better than you do. A second monitor makes the numbers go up twice as fast, and there is a putting green for the afternoons. Asked what the firm does with all the money, Sir Rupert said it was “mostly for buying things”, and went back to his crossword.